Well, That's me now
by youdbegoodinthefield
Summary: Arizona's Phantom Limb Pain and PTSD are in full swing, how long will it be before she finally cracks? I wanted to explore the theory of Arizona's breakdown rather than it simply being the cheating storyline I know most of the Calzona fandom are not down with.
1. The storm

**AN: I wanted to explore the theory of Arizona's mental breakdown manifesting itself in the Lauren and Arizona cheating story line. I didn't like the cheating storyline, so I thought I would explore this theory instead. **

For weeks now, the pain had been getting worse, it hit at the most inconvenient of times; in the OR, the shower, in the middle of the night…today had been a particularly bad day. Robbins had spent almost an hour in the store closet stabbing a scalpel into her prosthetic limb trying to stop it. But with the storm underway she was needed up on the PEDS floor, with an onslaught of worried parents and dozens of tiny humans to save in the middle of a super storm Arizona did not have time to contend with it, so she done what she had been doing for the last two weeks and ignoring it. _She had too. _

Arizona headed up to check on her post-op patient, the three month old whose brain, until a few hours ago was on his face, but Dr. Boswell had worked her magic and now all the tiny human would have was a tiny scar above his lip. It seemed that tiny humans were not the only ones captivated by Dr. Boswell, _"Well, that's me now."_ Echoed in Arizona's head, maybe she was right. The blonde did hold a striking resemblance to Robbins, with the same almost cocky confidence Arizona had once had. But that was _before. _Before the plane crash, before she lost her leg. That was before and Arizona was very much living in the aftermath.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sudden searing pain in her absent limb. _Phantom Limb Pain, _they called it, but there was nothing phantom about it, the pain was very real. _How can I have pain in a part of me that no longer exists? _Owen had taught her control mechanisms to stop the pain, at first they had worked, but they were no longer affective. She hadn't told anyone she was still suffering from the condition; she couldn't tell her wife. They were only just beginning to get back to some semblance of normality. _No, she wouldn't tell Callie. She could deal with this herself. _Arizona headed up the stairs to the PEDS floor, the whole time her mind on Lauren. _What was it about that woman that enchanted her so? _Arizona tried desperately to push the thoughts of her mind. She was married to a stunning and breathtaking badass ortho goddess. Another woman shouldn't even be crossing her mind. Yet, despite her best efforts Lauren managed to creep back in.

"You're just like me, can't keep away huh?" Lauren smiled as Arizona walked over to her patient, _their _patient. Arizona faltered slightly, she could feel her cheeks warm as her eyes cast of the woman's face; she smiled back and replied, "Just checking in on my patient. _Our _patient." She corrected herself, nervously smiling at Lauren. Arizona couldn't help but wonder what those lips smiling back at her would feel like against her own.

"Well everything seems to be okay here. His stats are good, he's stable, the parents are happy. I think we're all done here." Lauren paused, "Arizona, do you think you could show me the on call rooms?" Lauren smiled, raising her eyebrows.

"Lauren…I'm married…" Arizona stuttered.

Lauren smirked, "Too sleep. I like to stay nearby my patients first night in post op. I know you're married. I met her, remember, tall, gorgeous, ortho attending. Yeah…I remember, Arizona."

"Sorry…I…of course, just follow me, and please, please forget I said that." Arizona replied stumbling over her words. Of course Lauren knew she was married. Of course she wanted to go to the on call room to sleep. After all, who could possibly be attracted to her? She only had one damn leg.

Arizona led the way to the on call room in silence, silently cursing herself for being so damn stupid. The on call rooms suddenly felt as if they were on the other side of the freaking country, Arizona couldn't recall it taking so long to reach them before, finally the two women reached their destination. Arizona opened the door and pointed inside, "well here they are. I'm just gonna go…I mean I have patients to get back too." Arizona said, again stuttering over her words.

Lauren smirked; it was cute, watching the blonde get so nervous around her. She was use to having that affect on women, but Arizona was married, she was forbidden fruit, and that made it all the more enticing. Lauren stepped inside the on call room and stopped, looking back at Arizona, "You sure, you can't stay for a little bit, everything's okay up there, Karev and Wilson seemed to have it covered."

Lauren watched as Arizona's mind fought an internal battle against itself, she wasn't sure if Arizona would crack, she was a control freak, just like Lauren, for her to lose that control and come into the on call room with Lauren would go against everything Arizona prided herself on. She was loyal. She was a good man in a storm. She wasn't a cheat. She loved Calliope. But that little voice inside her head was telling her against her better judgement to walk into that on call room.

Lauren raised her eyebrows at Arizona and smirked, "Arizona, its okay to lose control sometimes, you know."

"I…I can't, I'm married." Arizona said, in almost a whisper.

Before Arizona could even fathom what was going on Lauren had her lips on her, pressing Arizona up against the door of the on call room. Unfamiliar hands running over her scrubs. The lights in the on call room flickered, and with it Arizona's vision. She could feel Laurens hands sliding up the inside of her scrub top, where Arizona kept her wedding ring. _Her wedding ring. She was married, what the hell was she doing in the on call room making out with another woman? How could she even do this to Calliope? _These thoughts invaded her mind, yet she still could not bring herself to pull away from Lauren. _How far was she going to let this go? _

As that final thought passed the room went into complete darkness. Arizona's entire body felt numb, whatever was going on she had no awareness of, she remained still and unresponsive. She opened her eyes very slowly to realise she was not in the on call room. She had no idea where she was. It was dark, and cold and wet. Arizona looked around her, panic began to wash over her as the realisation of where she was hit her. What felt like moments before, she had been in the on call room with Lauren, and now she found herself on the roof of the hospital in the middle of a super storm. "what the hell?..." How had she managed to get from the on call room to the roof with no recollection of how she ended up there? She looked around, where the hell was Lauren? Slowly Arizona pulled herself up onto her feet, no sooner than she stood up a gust of wind knocked her back down. "Oh My God!" she screamed as she crashed to the ground. Eventually she managed to crawl to the elevator on the roof, the hit the button furiously, "dammit, dammit." She cried, as she waited on the elevator to open, she crawled inside and hit the button for floor 3. _Ortho. _She had to find Callie, she had to tell her what she had done. Arizona was disgusted at herself, tears streamed down her face as she sat on the floor of the elevator.

The elevator came to a stop and the door opened, stood in front of them was Callie, "Oh my god, what happened? Are you hurt? Oh God, Arizona, I was so worried." Callie said rushing into the elevator crouching on the floor beside her wife, "Arizona, where's your prosthetic? What happened, what the hell were you doing on the roof in the middle of a freaking super storm?!" Callie screeched, more in concern than anger. She had been worried sick about Arizona, the last anyone seen of her was Karev and that was hours ago.

"I…I….Calliope, we need to talk." Arizona managed to get out before collapsing in Callie's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

"Arizona, Arizona, can you hear me? Stay with us, Arizona, ARIZONA." Callie couldn't be a doctor right now, her wife was laid unconscious on the wet floor for the elevator, and Callie could feel the water seeping into her scrub pants. Callie looked down and saw liquid was staining her lab coat. Her eyes widened in terror, it wasn't water on the floor of the elevator; it was blood. _But where was it coming from?_

Callie checked Arizona frantically, trying to figure out where the bleeding was coming from. Then she found it. Her leg, it looked like a jagged line made my some kind of blade, that went round the entire perimeter , cutting straight through her femoral artery, "Someone get a gurney, now! Well don't freaking stand there. NOW." Callie yelled at one of the interns.

"What the hell? What happened to her?" Callie heard from behind her, the voice was familiar but in the mist of all the chaos going on in the small space it wasn't until she turned her head to see the familiar voice was Karev's.

"I don't know, Karev. I just found her like this, here; help me get her up on to the gurney. She's hypothermic, her pupils are dilated, and her purse is weak, she's lost a lot of blood, gods know long she's been up there." Callie said her voice breaking as she tried to hold back the tears. Crying wasn't going to help her wife right now, right now she had to be a doctor. "When did you last see her?" Callie asks turning to Karev.

"I don't know, maybe like 2 hours ago, maybe 3?" he replied.

"You don't know?! Think dammit, Karev, its important!"

"We need to get her down to trauma now, someone page Hunt, STAT!" Callie shouted to one of the interns as they wheeled Arizona as fast as they could to the Trauma department. Callie's mind was racing, what the hell happened up on that roof? And more importantly what was she doing up there in the first place.

Just as Karev and Torres wheeled her into a Trauma bay Chief Hunt arrived, "What have we got here, Dr. Torres?" Hunt asked before he could see the patient was Arizona, "Oh God. What happened? Where was she? Callie I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what happened." Hunt said to Torres. Callie stood there in the trauma bay staring down at her wife laid unconscious on the gurney. She should have known something was wrong, Arizona had been different for weeks, but Callie hadn't pushed, she wanted Arizona to come to her in her own time. Guilt plagued her, what sort of person doesn't notice their wife's on the verge of a breakdown? Callie was frozen on the spot, she could hear the voices of Karev and Hunt in the distance but she couldn't register what they were saying.

"TORRES! " Hunt yelled, his voice rose.

"Get her out of her Karev, she can't be in here, that's her wife on the table. Get her out of here and page Kepner to OR 2. We need to get Robbins up to an OR now, we won't have time to scrub, she's already lost too much blood." He paused, "Ring path, we need three units of O Neg in OR 2. Karev, you stay with Torres, we're going up now. Come on people, MOVE." Owen commanded as they headed up to OR 2.

Karev took Torres aside to one of the vacant trauma rooms, Callie followed him, silent the whole time, she couldn't speak. Words failed her. She had done this. This was her fault.

"Torres, can you hear me. It's going to be okay. Hunt's got this. Arizona is going to be okay. Do you want me to get you anything? Coffee, maybe?" Karev asked, he didn't know what to say. It was easy when it was a patient's family, it wasn't anything personal, it was just doing your job. But this was Callie, his friend, his colleague, his mentor's wife. Karev wanted to believe the words he was saying but doubt niggled at him, what if she wasn't okay? She'd sliced through her femoral artery; she'd lost a lot of blood. _God there was so much blood._

Finally the silence between them broke and Callie began to speak,

"This was my fault. I should have noticed, I mean, I did notice, but I didn't say anything. She's been like a frightened deer all year, I've been walking on egg shells so scared to say anything that might set her off, so I kept quiet. Things were getting better. I thought they were, so I thought I'd let her come to me, you know? And now she's through there in probably bleeding to death because I didn't do anything. Because I was so freaking concerned about upsetting her, and now she might die in there, Karev, she might die… oh god." Callie paused, tears flooding her eyes and choking her throat.

"I can't lose her, not again…I can't…"

It felt like hours since Hunt had rushed Arizona into surgery, Callie's eyes were fixed on the clock, time seemed to have stopped. Then she saw Hunt coming towards her, she tried to read his face, but his scrub mask covered up any hint of whether it was good or bad news. "Please be okay…please be okay" Callie whispered to herself.

"Callie, we done everything we could, she had lost so much blood…" Owen paused. "But-" he was interrupted by Callie collapsing to the floor sobbing before he could finish.

"Torres, we managed to close up her femoral artery. There was a lot of muscle damage, but she's stable. Kepner's taking her up to the ICU right now. Come on, I'll take you up there now." Owen finished crouched down on the floor with Callie.


	3. Chapter 3

_Flashback_

_Arizona could hear the rain battering against the window of the on call room as Laurens hands crept up her back, pulling her closer as her lips crashed against Arizona's. She thought of Callie, of her wife, who was somewhere in the hospital right now. Their hospital. What was she doing? She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't be doing this. But since their very first meeting at the coffee cart Arizona had been captivated by her. Laurens confidence and brilliance shone through in everything she did, she was breathtaking. "Lauren…I can't" she whispered, but Lauren took no notice of Arizona's words. "I've wanted you all day…" Lauren murmured back, "no-one has to know." _

_"No I can't. I can't." Arizona argued, pushed Lauren back from her. Arizona slid back against the door of the on call room, the coolness of the door a stark contrast against her warm skin, she cradled her head in her hands and sighed deeply, sliding down the door until she saw sat on the cold on call room floor with her knees pressed up against her chest. "no-one has to know, Arizona, it's okay to lose control sometimes.." Arizona could hear Laurens voice but she didn't look up. She remained silent. The lights flickered again before coming back on, the harshness of the halogen bulb made Arizona squint her eyes to protect them. It was then she noticed she was alone in the on call room. Where the hell was Lauren? "Lauren?..."she said in confusion "Lauren?..." How could she have left the room Arizona was sat in front of the only door out of the room. She dragged herself up to her feet and looked around the room, but Lauren was nowhere to be found. "Oh God…" Arizona gasped, what if she'd gone to tell Callie? What if right this second Lauren was telling Callie how she had just kissed her wife in this very on call room. Arizona's thoughts were muddled, her mind hazy in an almost dream like state, but this was anything but a dream, this was a freaking nightmare. She had to find her, she had to stop her before she told Callie. Arizona fled from the on call room, running down the corridor, the lights were still flickering on and off making the whole experience feel even more disorientating than it already was. _

_"Arizona...she knows." Arizona stopped suddenly, her heart was racing in her chest, her palms clammy, where was that voice coming from? "Lauren? Where are you?" she replied, following the sound of the muffled voice, "Arizona, it's too late she knows." The voice laughed. "too late." _

_"Lauren what the hell are you playing at?" Arizona retorted, frantically opening the door to the supply closet, "Lauren?" She screamed. But no one was inside. She continued along the corridor until she got to the stairs, she could hear the voice getting louder, she had to be close now. She headed up the stair as fast as her legs would take her, she could hear laughing, finally she reached the top of the staircase and opened the door, the harsh wind almost knocked her off her feet, she braced herself. The rain lashed at her skin but she didn't care, she could barely feel it. She could barely feel anything. Arizona slipped her hands inside the pockets on her lab coat, her fingers traced against something cold and hard. It was the scalpel she had used earlier to dull the phantom limb pain. Her fingers absentmindedly wrapped around the blade. Her mind still racing, Lauren wasn't here. She was on the roof in the middle of a hurricane on her own. "LAUREEEEEEEEEEN!" She screamed at the top of her voice, it was so loud she was sure the whole of Seattle would have heard her. Another gust of wind came and blew Robbins off her feet, knocking her to the ground. She lay there on the floor for a moment, trying to catch her breath from the fall. "Ouch" she cried out, as a sharp pain surged through her leg. It really did strike at the most inconvenient of times. She pulled out the scalpel from her lab coat and drove it into her prosthetic limb. Nothing. She drove it in again, this time higher up. Again nothing. The pain was becoming more and more unbearable. She drove the scalpel in one more time in sheer frustration. This time the scalpel missed her prosthesis, Arizona screamed out in pain looking at the scalpel in the remainder of her leg, after the initial shock it seemed to help the pain was dying down. She plunged it in again, and again and again until she passed out. _

Callie sat by Arizona's bedside, it had been hours since she came out of surgery. She should be awake by now, Callie thought to herself. She looked at the monitor, Arizona's stats were good. There was no reason she shouldn't be awake by now. Worry laced Callie's every thought, "Please wake up, Arizona, I can't lose you. I love you." She whispered, gently squeezing her wife's hand, Callie felt Arizona squeeze it back gently, she looked up to see her wife coming back to her, "Oh god, you're awake, thank god you're awake, Arizona, oh my god, you scared the crap out of me, what the hell were you doing up on the roof?" Callie's concern came across like anger, she was angry, but not at Arizona, she was angry at herself.

"Callie.." Arizona said in a whisper.

"I…I need to tell you something, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Calliope…" she began.

"hey…hey, it's okay. You're going to be okay, you don't have to apologise about anything, you just scared me is all." Callie soothed.

"No…stop…Calliope, I…I…kissed Lauren. Tonight, before I went up on to the roof, I kissed her in an on call room, and then she left, I was up there looking for her, I was so scared she would tell you what happened before I could. I'm so sorry Callie, I love you so much, I made a mistake…I'm so sorry." Arizona said, her eyes filling with tears.

Callie looked at her with confusion, "you what?..."

"I kissed Lauren, Lauren Boswell. Tonight." Arizona repeated.

Callie's eyes widened, as she tried to process what Arizona was saying, "Arizona…Lauren left yesterday."


End file.
